


Every doctor is like... a /little/ victorian.

by looms



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Chameleon Arch (Doctor Who), I know i missed a master... he's there... fuck i forgot missy let me add her, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:48:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25100407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/looms/pseuds/looms
Summary: After getting high the Doctor and Masters make a bet about who would figure out who they really were if they were all chameleon arched.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Listen fuckers... I wrote the first chapter but that doesn't mean I'll write another. Or mayby I will. Either way feel free to write a chapter for this of your own. If you scroll up far enough in off-topic you'll get to the conversation where we came up with this AU.

There was a knock on the door at 12 o’clock noon, which was very strange. People didn’t tend to go visiting exactly at lunch time, it was considered rude, as you’d almost always be intuription somebody’s meal. Still, Jenny got up from the table and strode over to the door. 

She peaked through the whole to see a dapper man in a green coat. Jenny didn’t reconize him, but maybe he was here with a case (the word had gotten around that Vastra was and expert detective, and they often got callers these days asking her to find their missing husband or whatnot) so she opened the door.

The man beamed. “Hello! Lovely to meet you. Now would you be Lady Jenny or Lady Vastra. I’m the doctor by the way.”

“I’m Ms. Jenny, I’m Lady Vastra’s… The Doctor, did you say?”

“Yes! I’m the doctor! And so are all they.” The Doctor waved an arm over his shoulder and Jenny looked past him to see nearly two dozen others standing in the front garden. “Well, not all of them, but a good half at least.” The Doctor turned around and stepped aside so that Jenny could see better. He pointed at a chap who was lying on the ground, inspecting the grass with a magnifying glass. “That one there, he told us that you and your wife wouldn’t mind if we stayed at your house. And what a lovely house it is too, you’ve done quite well for yourselves.”

“I… Well that certainly is the doctor,” Jenny said, noddin towards the chap who was now holding the magnifying glass in his mouth as he… braided? Strands of grass. “Would you mind coming inside? I’ll take you to see my wife. It is her house, so it’s only right that she has a say in what sorts of visitors we bring in.”

Madame Vastra recognized the doctor instantaneously, despite his different appearance, and invited him to sit down for tea.

Jenny had left the other doctors in the care of Strax, and sat with her wife to listen to the Doctor’s explanation. 

“Well you see, the all of us. That is, all of us doctors, were at the funeral of a dear friend of ours, the brigadier. Afterwards we were all quite sad, and so we decided to sit down for a smoke. Now I can’t remember the whole conversation, smoking the wrong thing can do that to your mind if you’re not careful, but the 15 of us managed to invite several incarnations of our best enemy - the master - to come smoke with us. And I’m sure you know how these things go. We started talking about identity, and memory, and timelords have this sort of trick where we can change-”

“Regeneration?” Vastra asked.

“Not quite. Our faces stay the same, but we become human. Well, not always human, but we blend in with the most populous intelligent species. We lose our memories, and our second heart and second brain and everything that makes us us. It’s tricky business, and should only be used in emergencies, but you see we aren’t a very bright bunch.”

“So that’s what happened to the Doctor? And all the other doctors and masters I suppose. They turned themselves human? What would they do that for?”

“Well! We made a bet! I think it was our 12th incarnation. Well, he’s really the 14th. But that’s besides the point. All of us Doctors and all of the Masters would hide our memories away, and see who would remember who they really are first.”

“What about you? You remember who you are.”

“Yes. For once in my life it seems. It was voted that I was the least likely to kill anyone in their weakened state. Also someone had to explain the whole situation to you, and fly the TARDIS here. As soon as we’re done with lunch I’m going to turn myself fully human as well.”

“You sure that it wouldn’t be better to stay as a timelord? In case you need to… reverse the process for the others?”

“Yes, it most likely would be better, but that would be against the agreement that we made.”

Jenny and Strax herded the doctors and masters on the lawn into separate bedrooms, by suppertime all but two of the doctors (who had mysteriously disappeared) were safe and accounted for. 

“I’d best be off then” Said the Doctor. 

“To your TARDIS?”

“Quite right.”

“Would you like me to come with you? Then I could guide you back to the house.”

“You know that would be a good idea. Do you know why we decided to come to this time?”

“No.”

“Well, the Doctor, the one that you know came up with the idea. He said “Let’s go to the 1880s. My friends who are just respectable and responsible enough that they will keep us safe, but not so responsible that they will stop us from going through with this absolutely foolish plan.”


	2. In which the eleventh doctor befriends an elephant and decides to start a circus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another reminder that if you are a loomer you are allowed to add a chapter to this fic. the only requirements are that  
> 1\. 13's human name is "Fuck Gallifrey"  
> and 2. no one figures out their real identity (we want 9 to be the first one)

The Doctor, the one that Vastra and Jenny knew best, had been mostly quiet at breakfast so far, and now, having finished with his toast, was flipping through the newspaper. He had introduced himself as Alfie Williams last night when Jenny had found him looking for biscuits in the kitchen. “Look! A circus!”

“What about a circus?” asked the blonde woman doctor. 

“Oh, I don’t read the articles, I mostly like to look at the drawings. I would do well in a circus I think.”

“What would you do?”

“I can juggle! Here-” Alfie set down the paper in his lap and reached for the platter of hard boiled eggs; he threw five eggs up in the air and caught all of them when they came down and cracked in his palms. 

“Bother.” said Alfie, dumping the remains of the eggs on his empty plate and wiping his hands on a napkin. “Well, if I join the circus I’m sure they would provide me with balls. Oh! I could be a sword swallower!” His disappointment at failing to juggle disappeared as the doctor swiped a knife from the table, but before he could lift it to his mouth Vastra caught his wrist in a death grip. 

“D- Alfred… you are a dear friend of mine, but I’d rather keep my silverware out of your digestive tract.”  
Again, this barley phased Alfie, who let the knife be extracted from his hand, and bowed as soon as his arm was free.

“Well, thank you so much Madame Vastra for having me, and it was lovely to meet the rest of you. If I’m not back bye sundown you needn’t worry- that simply means that I have succeeded in joining the circus!” 

Vastra looked like she would be very worried, but made no move to stop the man as he spun around and made his way towards the front room. 

It took Alfie nearly an hour to find the Belmont Circus, since he’d keep forgetting the instructions people gave him and have to ask other passerbys if they knew where it was. 

Outside the tent stood a group of people dressed in outfits that clearly pinned them as circus performers. Alfie went up to them and gave a friendly wave.

“Hello! I’m Alfie Williams, I was hoping to join your circus.”

“And what were you hoping to do in our circus Alfie?” a woman performer asked scepticlly. “Are you some sort of freak.”

“Well, I have four arms. Wait no. I’ve only got two. Oh! I can hold my breath for a really long time! I could juggle underwater or something!”

“How would you juggle underwater? The balls would just float around.”  
“Well I could figure something out. What about an animal trainer? I’m wonderful with animals! I had this horse-”

“Listen. Usually we’d humor you, but we don’t need… you. We have several very qualified animal trainers here already, and you don’t even have an act in mind, you just want to join to.. I don’t know. Stick it to your family. Goodbye.”

“Make sure to see the show!”

Alfie frowned as he walked away from the circus performers. He just thought being in a circus would be fun! He could meet the elephant that he saw an illustration of in the newspaper that morning. Well, even if Alfie couldn’t work at the circus didn’t mean he couldn’t see the elephant, his cage must be around here somewhere. 

Alfie climbed over a metal fence and landed softly on the other side. Lucily the area behind the tent was abandoned and there were no circus workers around to kick him out. 

On his right side was a row of booths for games and fortune tellers and snacks. On his left were a row of cages and caravans where the animals were being kept. 

“These are rather small places you’ve got” Alfie commented as he strode up to the Elephant. The elephant had been sleeping on the ground and opened it’s eyes as Alfie approached. “What’s your name then?”

The elephant only replied by swishing it’s tail, but luckily Alfie found a plaque at the top of the cage which read: Jordan. Asian Elephant Adolescent.

“Hello Jordan. I’m Alfie. Mind if I come in? Or maybe you could come out, there doesn’t seen to be that much space in there. Here, let me find the latch to the door.”

The door latch was, unsurprisingly, locked, but that didn’t deter Alfie.

“I’ll be right back, Jordan. I’ve just got to get a lockpick. Or a key. A key would be easier.” Alfie spun around looking for where to start his search. He didn’t want to run into any of the circus workers, so he’d have to stay in this area.

Alfie went over to the popcorn machine, there was a pin inside that he might be able to jam into the lock on Jordan’s cage. Alfie lifted the top off the machine and got to work disassembling it. He put the pin in between his teeth and but the machine back together as best he could, pocketing all the pieces that he couldn’t figure out how to put back. 

“Got it!” Alfie said to Jordan, holding up the pin. “Now hopefully this will work!”

After a bit of jostling Alfie finally got the lock to click. By now Jordan was sitting up and looking quite interested in what was going on. 

Alfie swung the big door open and took a few steps back to give Jordan more room. “Right-o! Come out?”

Jordan slowly got to his feet and stepped out of the cage. 

“Hey! What are you doing letting the elephant out?”

Alfie and Jordan both turned their heads to the source of the noise, a rather angry looking boy marching towards them. 

“Ah. So sorry.”

“Look, I’m not gonna get mad, but if you don’t get out of here a lot of other people will. How did you even get the elephant out of it’s cage?”

“The lock was broken.”

“The lock was broken?”

“Yes. Go look.”

The boy went over to inspect the lock and Alfie leaned up to whisper in Jordan’s ear. “I’ll be back for you, but I need to be off. You can live with my friend Vastra, she’s got a lovely big garden.” then took off, running towards the fence just as other circus workers arrived to yell at him. Alfie made it over the fence and kept running until he was a block away from the circus. 

Just because he couldn’t be in that circus didn’t mean that he couldn’t be in any circus. He wouldn’t even want to be in that circus, the people weren’t nice at all and the animals were not treated properly. 

He’s just have to make his own circus.

La Cirque D’Alfie.

Wait no. Why was he french.

The Circus of Alfie.

Yes. much better. 

He’d need money, so he’d better stop by a bank.   
He got directions to the bank from a lovely young lady who was selling flowers (he’d have to remember to buy some on his way back from the bank when he had money), and walked 20 blocks to get to the bank. 

The moment Alfie stepped into the bank, the air erupted with bank notes and chaos broke out. Everyone was grabbing at the air, trying to catch as many of them as they could, while the bank guards tried to catch the man who had thrown them in the air in the first place, but they couldn’t find him in the crowd of crazed bank goers. 

Alfie got down on his knees and started shovleing up all the bank notes that had made it to the ground. He took his jacket off and used it as a bag. Once it was all full of bills, he shoved some more in his pockets, then made his escape. 

It was hard to make it out to the street, especially carrying his bundled up jacket, as hundreds of people tried to push their way into the bank, hoping to get their own hands on the free money. 

Alfie awkwardly rang the bell on Vastra’s estate, and waited for the funny little chap from the other day to arrive. 

“Hello! Would you mind opening the door for me? My arms are a bit full.”

The Chap - Drax? Brax? - opened the door and stepped aside to let alfie through. 

“Give up your possessions!” Brax demanded.

Alfie looked down at the jacket in his arms “My jacket?”

“Yes. May I take your jacket?”

“No, I’d rather like to keep it if you don’t mind.” Alfie gave a parting nod to Brax (Jelpax? maybe?) and wandered over to the parlor where he dumped the jacket full of bills on the floor. 

“Ooh! Money!” said one of the house’s other visitors.

“Not for you! I need this money to buy an elephant!”

“What are you buying an elephant for?”

“I’m starting a circus.”

“A circus! Wonderful! Why do you need anyone else for your circus? I’m not able to do any acrobatics but I’m sure I'd be a wonderful ringmaster.”  
“Ha! Not as great as I would!” said a chap who was sitting leisurely on an armchair by the fireplace. He wore a smart purple coat and a blue suit. 

“You’re already dressed for it.” snickered the woman sitting across from him, similarly dressed in purple. 

“I’m going to choose to take that as the compliant I’m sure you intended it to be”

“This is top notch! You all figure out what you want to do, and I will go buy some animals from the other circus. Also we’ll need a tent, but that can wait.” Alfie smiled big and wide at his new friends “This is going to be great! Best circus in the world!”


	3. the t is for trans rights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nine visits. Vastra is not pleased.

Vastra’s first exposure to the nightmare of a human known as The was a rather grim one. As it stood, he was pessimistic, surly, and quite possibly depressed. Though realistically he should be dressed in something more appropriate to the era, he merely wore a long overcoat in place of the usual leather jacket.

“Hey,” he said, sounding not at all Victorian. “Nice to meet you, um...”

“Vastra,” she said. “Jenny, could you possibly fetch another cup of tea?”

“Yes, ma’am!” Jenny nod. “I’ll be back soon, ma’am!”

Vastra smiled grimly. “Welcome to my house,” she said, as means of an introduction. “And who might you be?”

She knew exactly who she was, of course; her version of the Doctor had made sure of that. The one from straight after the Time War, traumatised and embittered. Not so much in this human form, free from the burdens of his past. “Mr. T. Smith!” he said, surprisingly happy. A good start.

“And what,” she enquired, “might the T stand for? Best be quick, Smith.” There was already a painful amount of Smiths. Dear God.

“The.”

“You’re not serious.”

“No, of course not! Stands for Trans Rights.”

“Well, Trans Rights, do come in.”

“You can call me Doctor, ‘s fine.”

“And do you have a doctorate?”

“‘Course not! I just thought it sounded cool.”

Typical. Predictable, and with all the usual theatrics to be expected of the Doctor. Regeneration changed nothing, clearly.

“You got biscuits?” he asked, sinking into a plush chair.

“Yes, why do you ask?”

“Oh, it’s just that the ingredients were probably sourced from slaves an’ got here through really unethical practices an’ I just hate that, don’ you?”

She grimaced. “Truly terrible, Doctor.”

This was unfortunately familiar. He gave a thumbs up (reminder to check if those even existed yet). “Pass the milk?

“Certainly.”

He grinned, pouring it into his tea. “Did you know some cows were probably seriously mistreated in the making of this milk? I mean, they’re hardly free animals!”

“Shut up.”

He didn’t.

“Shut the fuck- oh no.” A blonde woman came rushing down the stairs, grinning.

“Ya called?” she yelled.

“No! No, I did not!”

Vastra slammed her head against the table, hard.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I have never once watched a Doctor who. All I know about them comes from what my cis male friends told me in middle school. Before writing this chapter (and any chapters that my fallow) I watched two minutes of each doctor and will be basing my entire characterization on those two minutes.  
> Also I don't know what a "United Kingdom" is so don't ask me.  
> lots of love.  
> -Not Jo.


End file.
